If you need me in Seoul, I'll be with General Kent at "l" Corps in the morning...
and at headquarters in the afternoon.
No, sir. You'll be at Headquarters in the morning and "l" Corps in the afternoon.
- Like I said. - Cabbie, Radio City Music Hall, and step on it.
There's an extra five for you if we get there in time for the Rockettes.
- Sorry, I'm off duty. - Where you staying?
- Officers' quarters. - Big mistake.
That's only a one-star hotel.
Enemy P.O.W. Camps get two stars.
The place you want is Uncle Chang's Changri-La Hotel.
What's so good about it, besides the name?
The bellboys are all girls. They don't carry your bags...
but they take off their shoes and walk barefoot through your back.
Oh, wow. Wouldn't that be something, sir?
To have a real beautiful bellhop with naked feet, and he...
- I mean, she... - [Potter] Steady, Radar.
Yes, sir. Want me to change your reservations?
- No. - That's the last time I arrange a tour for you.
Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you how the chambermaids wake you up.
- Have a nice, boring trip. - Are you gonna be back in time for the Derby Day party?
Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away.
With Hawkeye and B.J. Giving it, it oughta be a real wingding.
Everybody's gotta show up in jockey shorts.
Change that to nobody. Got it?
- Not even the nurses, sir? - Not even.
So hold your lower lip still. It's quivering.
This is Class "A", number-one hooch, Waldo...
but it's way too smooth.
I'm used to putting my fist through the wall to help get it down.
[Chuckles] Oh, boy, it's good to see ya, Sherm. You're looking great.
That's the fourth "good to see ya" and the second "looking great" since I walked in here.
What's on your mind, Waldo?
Sherm, you and I have been friends for a long time.
- Here it comes. - I've heard a lot of talk about you...
Negative talk about you and the 4077 th.
What is it this time? Somebody forgot to wear their dress gloves in surgery?
This is different, Sherm.
Lack of leadership. Lapses of discipline.
Bypassing regulations.
- Apparently some of your people aren't too happy with you. - What do you mean, "my people"?
The beefs are coming from inside your unit.
I can't believe that.
Would I have brought you up here if I thought it was the usual latrine scuttlebutt?
My own people?
It happens.
But, Sherm, if this sort of thing keeps up, the Spam could hit the fan.
I don't understand it.
Sherm, you have one year to retirement.
Now, let's make it an easy one.
I can transfer you to any stateside post you want.
You name it.
And you don't know who's sending these reports?
All I know is it's an inside job. What difference does it make?
What difference?
4077 th is not just a roster of people.
It's my family.
Up until now, my loyal family.
Yep, this sure is first-class hooch, all right.
You got any rotgut?
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all personnel.
Decorative bunting is needed for tonight's Kentucky Derby party.
All those hoarding toilet paper are asked to please give from the heart.
- Hi, y'all and everyone else. - Hi, Hawkeye.
Mornin', Beauregard. How's the mint julep comin'?
A regular Louisville Slugger. Taste it yourself.
- Needs more julep. - Uh-huh.
By the by, what are you using for mint?
- Green cough medicine. - Mmm.
Antiseptic and antebellum.
I refuse to put lime icing on a chocolate cake.
That's the whole theme of the party... Derby Day.
Kentucky? The green grass?
In the first place, Kentucky grass is blue.
In the second, I'm the chef, and the icing will be white.
Hold it. Cease and desist. Argument about the cake?
- Mm-hmm. - I'll settle this.
This the recipe?
- Perfect. Carry on. - With lime icing.
Look, Major, I'm not even supposed to be here.
I was held over by him and the other captain to bake a cake.
- So let me bake it, will you? - Is this man occupying a bed in post-op...
just so he can sneak back here and bake?
Margaret, post-op is half empty. And you're talking to a man who...
in civilian life, taught pastry at the Cordon Bleu in Paris.
No, I was Speedy's Eats in New Orleans.
- Same thing. - Here's the wreath.
Amazing what can be done with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of rosewater.
If I catch anybody blowing his nose in this, he's gonna lose it.
Hey, Hawk.
Try the julep now.
Oh, that's it. Make an extra batch.
What we don't drink we can use as insect repellent.
[Whistle Blows]
Right on through, Colonel. Have a refreshing trip, sir?
Take that stuff off. You look like a fool. Where's Radar?
- Making party favors, sir. May I talk to you? - No.
Then I'll be brief. I'd like you to transfer me to the M.P.s.
- Out of my way, flatfoot. - I could do a great job escorting prisoners to the States.
Just sign here, sir, for the cause of justice.
- Come to attention. - Yes, sir!
About face. Now stay that way until you receive further orders.
- But I have a beat to patrol. - Colonel, good to see you.
How was your trip? We missed you around here.
Save it for Sunday.
[Laughter]
[Group] # Oh, the sun shines bright #
# On my old Kentucky home #
# Far away ##
[Laughter]
Belly up to the bowl, Colonel. You're just in time for "slap happy hour."
How was everything in Seoul, the Jersey City of the Orient?
I thought this party wasn't supposed to leave the starting gate till 1:30 a.m.
We figured we'd indulge in a few furlongs now so we'd start with a handicap.
- You're a few lengths behind us. Join the fun. - The fun is over.
- Give you people an inch, you take a mile. - Tonight, a mile and a quarter.
Quiet, Pierce!
- What's this patient doing here? - Recovering nicely, thank you.
Don't let them fool you, Colonel.
These two kept him from rejoining his unit...
so that he could bake a cake with the wrong icing.
- Is this true? - Every layer of it.
If there's one thing I can't abide, it's two commissioned teenagers...
who feel they can break regulations anytime the mood hits them.
- Darn tootin'. - But what's worse is a snitch...
someone who can't settle a matter face-to-face.
- I resent that, Colonel. - Tough.
Colonel, I'm glad you're back, sir.
See what I made? Party favors. Horses and jockeys.
Where the hell have you been? Well?
Uh...
I had to go to Supply to get the paper...
and then I had to go cut out the horses.
Then I had to get a picture to see how long to make the tail when I cut it out.
Get me a duty roster. I wanna see where all these people belong.
Yes, sir.
Uh, we belong in Supply.
Then get there.
The rest of you get where you're supposed to be.
- [Man Groans] - [Chattering]
- What's wrong with him? - I said to the man...
"Go to Changri-La. Get your back walked on."
But does he listen to his doctor? No.
- Colonel Potter. - What do you want?
Just the man I want to see.
This day is getting better and better.
I'm sure this will be as unpleasant for you as it is for me...
but I hold you personally responsible for ruining my medical career.
- You don't say. - It is six months to the day...
since I was shanghaied into this quagmire.
Congratulations. Then this is a commemorative meeting.
If it goes well, we'll issue a coin.
Colonel, look at this. The first open-heart surgery...
in medical history has just been done successfully.
- Bully. - That should be my heart lying open there!
If it hadn't been for you, I'd be at a real hospital...
with research facilities instead of this...
roadside medical stand!
I hereby request a transfer.
Denied. Next.
Colonel, if you don't get me out of here, I'll...
- You'll what? - I'll find a way.
I will stop at nothing.
And you've been working on it already, haven't ya?
My every waking moment, with every breath I take, from the first time...
- That's it. Get out! - But, sir!
Get out or my name will be on your lips forever.
There's no reason to get huffy.
- I mean, there's nothing personal. - Right, stranger. Out.
- I just thought I'd ask. - Out!
By the way, welcome back.
Thank you, sir. And I'm just a corporal.
Don't you ever forget that.
[Chuckles]
Sir, this hand-delivered message was just delivered by hand.
- What is it? - I don't know, sir.
- I never read your mail. - What is it?
General Kent is warning you about a spot inspection.
Some big brass are coming in from "l" Corps.
Inspection, huh? Those pencil pushers don't waste any time, do they?
- No, sir. I'll notify the camp. - No, you won't.
I'll fill them in in my own way when I'm good and ready.
In the meantime, don't breathe a word of this to anyone. Capisce?
- Who, sir? - Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
Sir, is there anything I can do?
No. Just keep your mouth shut.
Oh, yes, sir, I will. I won't say a word. Not a word.
Anybody asks me, I don't know nothin'.
Your secret is safe with me. I can sure capisce that.
Mum's the word.
Hmm? Oh, right.
Shh.
## ["My Old Kentucky Home"]
Honey chile, after the cotillion...
would you like to go down to the plantation...
for a game of slap and tickle?
Oh, good.
- [Drops Accent] You will? - Sure.
Why has it taken you a year?
- I like older men. - I see.
Well. [Clears Throat] Well.
Look at that brazen hussy over there...
and the woman he's with.
You're all lunatics.
- Ma'am, can I see your I.D.? - [Chuckles]
Don't be ridiculous. I'm over 21.
Don't be ridiculous. I know it.
##[Continues]
[People Gasping, Exclaiming]
Here it is.
That dumb white icing.
Don't tell me. Please, don't tell me.
The Kentucky... Derby.
Right. And we used your hat size.
- [Chuckles] - ##[Trumpet]
Pierce, someday you'll be old enough to grow your own beard.
It's post time. They're approaching the starting gate.
- Gather around the track. - Just in time, Colonel.
- The two-dollar window's closing. - Turn it off.
- But, sir. - I said, turn that radio off.
- [Radio Off] - Let me have your attention.
Next Tuesday there's gonna be a surprise inspection.
[All Groaning]
The reason for this inspection... my butt is on the block.
There have been bad reports about this unit floating around headquarters.
That's okay though. Bad reports never bothered me. They never will.
- [Together] Right. - Yeah.
I don't retreat from a fight.
They want efficiency, I'm gonna show 'em efficiency and pride...
everything they said we haven't got.
- That's right. - [All Talking At Once]
That report's gonna be so clean you can operate on it.
- Right. - You betcha.
I'm gonna show 'em not only the best damn MASH unit in the army...
- but the best unit, period. - [Cheering]
And... right after that, I'm going home.
- Huh? - What do you mean?
You heard me. I'm leaving.
I'm putting in for a transfer.
I'm spending my last few months stateside.
That's all. Good night.
[Murmuring]
The inspection's this Tuesday, so you fellas have gotta work fast.
Klinger, I want all torn canvas repaired on the tents.
I'll give it a nice zigzag stitch.
And 86 that M.P. Dodge. Try masquerading as a soldier.
If you don't mind, sir, I'd like to keep my whistle.
Zale, Benson, I want this camp spotless.
If it don't move, paint it. If it does move, pick it up.
- But, sir, my back. - Is giving me a pain. Dismissed.
You can't heap all this on us.
Benson, if your arms get to feeling too heavy, I can always take off those stripes.
Now scram!
I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
All right. We're waiting for an explanation.
Then wait outside. I still don't want to talk about it.
There are a lot of people around here with their jaws scraping on the ground...
from that bombshell you dropped last night.
- You've got to talk about it. - Got to? Get out of here.
Who do you think you're talking to, strangers?
We want an explanation. We're gonna stay until we get one.
I can call the M.P.s.
They want an explanation too.
Look, let's stop the hostility festival and discuss it, okay? Please?
We've been halfway through a war and back together.
You owe us that.
Those bad reports I mentioned last night have been coming from inside this camp.
- One of us? - I try to make this bed of nails a little more comfortable...
and this is how I get paid off.
One of my own people stabs me in the back with a fountain pen.
A simple "thank you" would have sufficed.
- I can't believe it. - Believe it.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna write to Mildred.
She might wanna know about this too.
Come in, Radar.
This is terrible. Gee, he's such a wonderful commander.
Who'd be lousy enough to spy on a guy like that?
The floor is open for nominations.
Let's analyze this. We're looking for somebody who's discontented...
- Yeah. - Resentful...
and has a personal beef with the colonel.
- Who am I describing? - Klinger?
[All] No.
- Charles? - Mmm.
Monogrammed toilet paper? Who's he trying to impress?
"Ogilvy and Cabot's Hair Sprout.
A harvest of hair in every bottle."
Remind me to put this in his deodorant.
Here's his Ogilvy and Cabot stationery.
"Charles Emerson Winchester. Boston, Paris, Palm Beach, Korea."
Anything interesting?
An unfinished letter. I knew I was right about him.
- Aristocrats make the best sneaks. - Read on, Macduff.
- "Dear Meredith..." - That's a girl's name.
- Or maybe the last name of a general. - I think you're stretching it.
"I'm afraid I have some very disturbing news to report."
I knew it. "During that memorable rendezvous in Tokyo...
I told you that the only stars that sparkle for me were in your eyes.
In the interim I have discovered that the stars could...
and did sparkle for me without necessarily being in your eyes."
- Some spy letter. - It's code. It's a code.
"I truly regret giving you the impression a permanent relationship was possible.
I could never marry without the permission of Grandmama Winchester...
who possesses the wisdom of the ages and half of downtown Boston."
- Go on. It's beginning to make sense. - That's all there is.
I'll finish it, and then you can read the rest of it.
- Author, author. - How shabby! How unutterably shabby!
- Charles, listen... - Oh, this is vulgar.
This is despicable. Would you care to explain this to me?
- It's all there on the label. - Why were you reading my mail?
- There's an explanation for this. - Whatever it is, I don't believe it.
Someone has been sending secret reports to the inspector general about Colonel Potter.
- That's why he's packing it in. - Someone's been insisting you were the informer.
- Some nut. - And you chose to believe this provocateur?
- You can't call me that. - I might have known.
There are no informers in my family.
Winchesters do not spy.
- We do on occasion hire them. - [Scoffs]
It was a dumb thing to do. We apologize.
Oh, you stupid jerks!
It's come to this. I just used the word "jerk."
- We're all slowing down. - Gentlemen, I know...
that thinking unsettles your prejudices...
but if you would bother to use the few brains you have...
it might occur to you to look in the outgoing mail...
for a letter addressed to the inspector general.
The chances are very good it was written by the informer.
- Okay. - One other thing, gentlemen.
Bear in mind that I still hate you.
- Do keep that in mind. - Mm-hmm.
Charles, you're drinking your hair.
Don't be ridiculous. This is 12-year-old scotch.
You don't think I'd leave this in the original bottle around you petty larcenists.
- Oh! - What?
I've been drinking from his scotch bottle.
- Come on, sirs. - Come on.
- We're not gonna steal anything. - This is the U.S. Mail.
Only a U.S. Mailman can touch it once it goes in this bag.
- It's sacred. - One of those bad reports...
on Colonel Potter could be in that sacred bag.
- Why didn't you say so? - He's so stubborn.
This is the last time I ever take a post office job at Christmas.
Before I find it, what am I looking for?
Anything addressed to someplace official. Here's one from Klinger to his draft board.
Is it ticking?
Here's one to "l" Corps, Inspector General. It's okay. It's from Joe.
- Who? - Joe Benson. He's a corpsman.
He's been here since June. He's a regular guy. It couldn't be him.
How many regular guys you know write home to "l" Corps?
Wait. You're not gonna tear that open, are you?
Don't worry. We're doctors. I'll open, he'll close.
No, you better let me do it.
- Can you imagine what he could do with a scalpel? - Mmm.
- That fink! - You can use stronger language than that.
- That dirty fink! - I don't get it.
Benson's just as undisciplined as the next guy.
- What's he got against Potter? - Why don't we pin him to the ground...
cover him with ants and ask him nicely?
- I'll bring the boiling oil. - Uh-oh.
- [Helicopters Approaching] - Uh-oh. Choppers.
Business before pleasure.
- Close, Major. - Good work, sir.
I've never seen that technique before.
- I thought you'd seen it all. - It was done at the Mayo Clinic four months ago.
What did you do? Visit there on a long weekend? [Chuckling]
It was in some literature that came a while back.
I spent that long weekend reading it. How about you, Quickdraw?
Well, I, uh, scanned it briefly.
Yeah, the light's not too good in the latrine.
I just don't know how we'll find anyone to replace you in here.
- I second that. - Klinger.
- You call my name, and I appear. - Get him to post-op.
- Benson, grab the other end. - Oh, Benson, we'll need a hand...
in the changing room when we're done here.
- Would you stop by? - Sure. Anything you need.
- What a nice guy. - [B.J.] Salt of the earth.
Promise that you'll keep me away from that creep's throat.
I was gonna ask you to promise me.
- Now, what can I do for you sirs? - Ah, Benson.
We've been waiting 10 minutes. You're a little slow.
- I'm sorry, but... - When an officer gives you an order, you better move.
- I'm sorry, sir. - Gross inefficiency.
Better include yourself in your next report.
I can't see myself in those shoes. Put that in too.
- I don't know what you are talking about. - Yes, you do.
One of your letters fell into the right hands... ours.
- Oh. - Mmm.
There's a lot of activities I'm not gonna miss around here.
- That was one of them. - Ah, Colonel, we got a little going-away present for you.
Sorry we didn't have time to gift wrap it.
I'm too pooped for puzzles. What are you getting at?
May I present Corporal Joe Benson, snitch first class.
His fingerprints are all over that pen in your back.
- Benson, is this true? - They make it sound worse than it is.
If I could raise my arms, I'd flatten your nose.
- What'd I ever do to you, Corporal? - It's Lieutenant, sir.
- Ah, a commissioned weasel. - Damn it, answer my question!
It was an assignment, sir. I was sent by the inspector general to work undercover.
Why pick on us? Our record was clean as a whistle till you got here.
Not according to Colonel Frank Webster of the Third Armor.
He was a patient here a couple of months ago.
Apparently he wasn't too thrilled with the quality of your care.
- I don't remember any Webster. - Me neither.
I do. Came through triage with a tiny piece of shrapnel in his tush...
and a big chip on his shoulder.
Got steamed when I told him he'd have to wait till the real casualties were treated.
You can't blame him. A wound like that...
could've kept him off a bar stool for several days.
That still doesn't explain your negative reports.
Look, you gotta admit, from a military standpoint...
things are pretty loose around here.
Maybe. From a human standpoint things are plenty tight.
I'd trade your shoeshines and snappy salutes for a good surgeon any day.
- Even if he looks like us. - I wouldn't go that far.
- Well... - All right, Benson.
Pack up your cloak and dagger and get out.
- Whatever you say, Colonel. - Benson...
you tell Webster if he ever gets in my way again...
I'm gonna put that shrapnel back where I found it.
No, Waldo. All I want is my record cleaned up.
Just get them to call off that surprise inspection.
We got enough to do around here without putting on our Sunday best...
for a bunch of dust-sniffing yahoos.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
What?
Am I staying?
I'll get back to you.
- Are you staying, Colonel? - I must admit... this is a load off my mind...
but I haven't seen Mildred in a long time.
- I haven't seen Peg, but I'm staying. - It's been a long war.
I passed my prime about 10 squares back.
Look, Colonel, um...
Sherman...
you could give me 100 good reasons to leave...
and I can't give you one good reason to stay.
- Stay anyway. - What he said.
Please?
Well, I'll have to think about it for a while.
- What the hell... I'll stay. - Thank you, Colonel.
- You'll regret every minute of it. - I probably will.
- Uh-oh. Choppers. - [Helicopters Approaching]
- Ooh, they sound loaded. - Let's go.
I hate this place.
Colonel, can we see you in private?
- What's going on? - We're getting up a surprise party.
- We wanted to know if you'd be the guest of honor. - Hit it, Major.
- ## [Harmonica] - # For he's a jolly good fellow #
#For he's a jolly good fellow #
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
#Which nobody can deny ##
[Cheering]
Thank you, folks. That was really lousy.
What do you expect with very little talent and only five minutes' preparation?
Okay, Denning!
Excuse me, sir. Pardon me, Mrs. Potter.
- Right this way. - Oh, that dumb white icing again!
- This is leftover derby. - Half a hat is better than none.
- One candle. What's that for? - It's your first day back.
I want to apologize for being so surly.
You people are the best there is.
I should have realized that. I'm sorry.
Aw.
Why don't you make a wish and blow it out, sir?
I'll make a wish for all of us. Peace.